Mirena.. FML

I don't know if anyone has had any experience with the mirena and could give me some advice.. but if not, I'm going to rant about it anyways.

The mirena is a "T" shaped IUD that is placed in your uterus to prevent pregnancy. It's a fucking joke none the less.. the worst side effects I've ever experienced with ANY birth control. I've never had a migraine in my life, but now experience them at least 2-3 times a week. I'm having extreme fatigue, I took a 2 hour nap with my son and still couldn't function after those 2 hours, I had to lay on the couch while I watched him play. I get my period for 8-9 days straight, with some occassion spotting in between cycles (TMI?). And along with that, I seem to be breaking out like crazy. I've lost weight (is you knew me, this is not a good side effect), which puts me down to 99lbs. I'm 21 years old, I'm not supposed to only weigh 99lbs. Annnd I have the most painful sex I've ever experienced in my life. Did I mention mood swings up the wazoo? I can't even stand to be around myself sometimes, it's a wonder my boyfriend hasn't left me yet. OMG.. AND THE WORST CRAMPS I HAVE EVER HAD.. making me double over in pain and never want to move.

I'm due to go to the doctor August 26th, but I'm not sure I can hold out that long. I wouldn't recommend this form of birth control to anyone. I've even read forums online, just to make sure it's not all in my head, and it's definitely not. I even think the mirena is going to get cancelled or recalled, because there's a petition going around with all the people who mirena has effected and ruined peoples bodies. I've even read that if your strings that are connected to the mirena (for removal) get lost or are cut too short, they have to surgically remove it.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated!!

So,,,

I'm thinking it's been way too long since I last posted.. and my good friend Lindsay informs me of how many people are following my blog and I give them nothing to read.. well here ya go fellow readers!

There's been a lot going on lately in my oh so exciting life. Not really exciting, but exhausting. I feel like I work non stop.. but I need the money badly in hopes to buy a house. I know I'm young, but in order to start my career, which is daycare, I need a house. Blah. Besides work occupying my life.. my baby is crawling.. all over the place!! I love that he can move around now and it's awesome watching him learn new things everyday. He explores, gets into everything, and follows you around like a lost puppy.. he amazes me. Now at a growing 7 months old.. going from sitting by himself, to crawling, to pulling himself to a standing position.. my baby is getting way too big and I'm realizing I need to take more time off work so I can cherish these moments with him before he starts walking and talking back. haha.

His father and I are still together, it's not perfect, but it's a learning experience trying to talk through our issues from our past. We bicker a little bit because we have so much history, sometimes I wonder if that could be our downfall. We've both done some shitty things to each other and the only thing you can do is move on from them instead of having resentment, but for some reason guys don't drop things as easily as girls and there's nothing I hate more than being reminded of my mistakes. I love being a family and every time we fight, I get scared. I don't want him to leave again, I remember that feeling.. and even though I made it through the first time, that strength was hard to find. I'm really bad at talking about how I feel when he says something that upsets me. I usually just shut down and put on this bitchy front until I completely breakdown. I wouldn't stick around in a relationship just because we have a baby together because that's just wrong, but you can tell we genuinely care for each other. I know it gets hard at times, but that's what makes a family stronger. We gotta learn to talk about the things we don't like when it happens, instead of holding it in til we explode.. it's not healthy..

Well that's my post for today.. xoxo

Life..

I haven't posted in like 2 months so I have a lot to fill you all in on. The father of my child and I are back together. We decided to try and work things out in April and so far so good. I told myself I'd only do this once though, if it doesn't work for some reason, it's a done deal. I won't put our son through that BS. Anyways.. I've been working full time lately, and more than full time most weeks and I'm sooo incredibly sick of it. I have a 5 month old baby I'd rather be spending time with. He's developing so quickly and I don't wanna miss anything! He sits up all by himself now and feeds himself and rolls. Watching him just play on the floor amazes me.. all the things he's already learned how to do. I love him so much!

On another note.. I really miss my friends. I can't help but feel like it's mostly my fault we don't see each other a lot anymore. I realize we all have our own lives and we don't have the same free time, but it's sad. I just hope they know, that no matter how busy we all are in our lives, we'll always have each other.

Now I have to go get ready for another day of work.. I'll try to post more later once I get more time..

Who will..

..be there to catch me when I fall?

Baby "A"s daddy and I have been going through a lot lately trying to get things ready for court in a week.. and today was definitely a reality check. He informed me that when he's done with school in May, he plans to join the army. After those words came out of his mouth, everything else seemed like a blur. I've heard him mention it before, but now it's actually here.. less than 2 months away.. and I can't handle it. This decision doesn't only effect him.. it effects baby "A" and I too. What if something happens to him? How can he leave his son for that long.. and not knowing whether he'll be coming home or not. I've been as strong as I possibly can considering all the stuff I've been put through.. but I honestly don't think I am strong enough to come to terms with this. Even though I am practically a single parent now.. he's still there when I really need him. I'm not going to have that anymore.. he's going to be gone.. and not only is he not going to be there to help me.. he's not going to be there for his son. His family needs him more than he realizes, but talking to him about this situation makes me sick to my stomach.

I'll be in denial until the day comes where he's actually leaving us..


**I'll post more later..

I'm a Debbie Downer

Lately I've been thinking way too much. I over analyze everything and can't just let go.. when I know it would be in my best interest to do so.

I'm thinking about getting a different job.. a third shift job. And even though I know it's going to be so hard to work all night and be home with a baby all day, I feel like I need to do this. I never get to see my son because I work all the time and it really kills me. As much as I'm too busy throughout the day to have any sort of thought to myself.. the nighttime is the worst. Once I put my little man down for the night, I think and think and think.. until I do something completely dumb which usually ends up with me texting my ex. I need to stop that! When he has baby A, I ask him how he's doing and what he's doing.. nothing out of the ordinary because I am his mother and I hate being without him. But he thinks I text him because I don't trust him. It's not that at all, but baby A is all I have. You probably wouldn't understand unless you've already had a child, but there are 2 people you want to be there for you throughout the experience. Your mom and your boyfriend (the child's father). The more I think about it, the more I realize why I am the way I am. Yeah, I have friends and others around to help and listen to me vent.. but the 2 people I need the most are the ones that aren't there. My moms there when she can be, but she lives 2 hours away so she can't be there as much as I'd like her to be. The father of my child treats me like shit every other day and I honestly don't see it getting better anytime soon. I'm beyond the breaking point.. I'm numb to a lot of things he says to me now.. but I can't change how badly he's already hurt me. That pain will never go away. I'm a very outspoken person, so he knows exactly how much pain he's caused me because I've told him and he could hear it in my voice, but he doesn't care. I don't think he ever will. I'd never hurt him in a way he's hurt me.. and I can never hate him for what he's done.. and he knows that. He knows I'm always going to be there for him no matter what.

..I wish there was a way to show him that I'm not always going to be around. He can't keep me at arms length anymore and expect me to be there when he's ready to come back to his family. I'm done putting myself through this and I'm definitely not putting our son through it.

It's like I don't even know who he is anymore..

I don't listen.. ever..

Lately I feel like I'm that girl in the scary movie that people always yell at.. "don't go in that room" or "why doesn't she run".. but the movies don't listen and neither do I. I wish I did. People could be screaming at me to keep my mouth shut when it would be in my best interest to do so, but I don't hear a word they say, I just open my big mouth and ruin everything that's going good in my life. The girl in the movie always goes into the room with the killer.. and I always say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

I had this hope inside of me for a long time.. and it got crushed on Monday night. I'm not going to go into detail, but my close friends know my situation that I'm talking about. And after making a complete ass out of myself over text.. I decided that wasn't good enough for me.. I also had to call and make a complete ass out of myself over the phone. I poured my heart out to the guy I fell for 3 years ago and for some reason, he's still distant. Why is it that as soon as I get into a good relationship and things are going great.. I run the other way and push that person away from me. And for some reason, even after leaving me when I was 4 months pregnant, I still can't find it in my heart to hate him. I'm pretty sure he could hear it in my voice that I was crying, but I tried to fight back the tears long enough to tell him how badly he hurt me. It hurt to have to see him when I was pregnant and it hurts to have to see him now, but I have to get used to it because we have a baby together. At the end of me crying in his ear and him shooting down my hopes of us ever trying this together.. he has the nerve to say "just drop it for awhile and let me think about it". I didn't want him to say that.. because that's what gave me hope in the first place. I asked him if he ever thought about us trying it together and he said he does.. but then when I mentioned it to him Monday he said he thought about it, but knows it would never work. He doesn't know that it wouldn't work.. he's just assuming. I hate that more than anything. He isn't even willing to try.

I'm just a girl standing here.. waiting for you to love her..

My emotions are scattered

After everything he's done to me.. after all the hurt he's caused me.. how can I still look at him like the stars that shine? He's not a good person. A good person doesn't leave you when your 4 months pregnant if they love you as much as they say they do. But even after all the shit he's put me through.. he does one nice gesture, and I completely forget about everything else. I hate that.

"M" and I have been very civil to each other for the past 2 weeks.. like scary civil. We haven't gone this long without fighting since before I got pregnant. I went to pick up the baby at "M"'s house yesterday after work and he actually talked to me.. and you might all think oh wow he talked to her.. but you don't understand. Him talking to me like a normal person is not normal for him. He usually ignores me like I don't even exist. Then while I'm gathering "A"'s bags and carrying him out to the car in his car seat, "M" offers to help me carry him out. Again, this might seem like another small gesture to the normal person, but on an ordinary day he would have just watched me struggle while I made my way out to my car.

He's been thinking a lot lately.. I don't know about what, but I can tell and it's kind of making me uneasy. I just don't want to be the girl that forgives him as soon as he decides to come crawling back. I'm not going to be a convenient thing for him to come back to. I want him to realize exactly how much hurt he's caused me and I have a feeling he'll be able to tell when we talk in person. I'm usually pretty good at hiding my feelings, but he has a way of breaking me down. The past 8 months are going to come pouring out and I'm not going to be able to control it. I trusted him when he said he would never leave us.. how can I ever believe him and think that he will never do that again somewhere down the road? He wasn't there when I needed him the most and there's no taking that back. The damage is done.

Is it wrong to say.. I miss him...

Short post

Let's make it short and sweet.. well maybe not so sweet..

"M" and I decided that we need to talk in person because we've been fighting so much lately. We figured it's the only way to get everything out in the open in hopes that we can eventually be nicer to each other. I want so badly to believe him when he says he wishes he could be around more for the baby, but those are only words.. no actions yet. It's a struggle for me to be nice to him everyday and not start a fight.. even though I could easily say something that would trigger one. And the reason for all these thoughts consuming in my mind is because this is my first night without my baby at home with me. He's gone for the night.. I hate working super early on Sunday mornings.. boo. I miss my baby..

I just want his words to be genuine.. that's all.

I've finally snapped..

I should really be sleeping.. but too many thoughts are consuming my mind tonight to even think about dozing off.

I started back at work on Sunday.. a few hours shy of full time. I haven't even been back a full week yet and I'm completely exhausted. Today wasn't a good day.. since I've had such a lack of sleep, it's brought out the bitchy side of me. I fought with the father of my child today. I know this is like a daily thing for us, but today it was totally different. I feel completely defeated by life. No one ever wants to admit that they can't handle it on their own, but I'm a stubborn person and I'll wait til I'm drained before I ask for help. I don't even know why, but after talking to him on the phone for about 20 minutes.. I feel more upset and broken than I ever have before. I feel like we need to talk to each other in person, or else we will always resent each other and we can't have that for our child. The only thing I feel like doing right now is curling up in a ball and crying. I know that won't solve anything or make my life easier.. but I don't have the energy to do anything else. It's hard to talk to him and still have feelings for him. And I know I have resentment towards him because of all the shitty things he has done to me.. and I'm afraid I won't ever be able to get over it. How can you hate someone so much.. but still love them?

I dunno.. I know I'm not done ranting about this because I still have a lot on my mind.. but I'm literally so caught up in emotion right now to blog about it. I'll post more later..

Honestly..

I want to know how having a baby changed his life. I don't know why I want to hear such a dreadful thing come out of his mouth, but I need it to fulfill my satisfaction I guess because I know having a baby didn't affect his life one bit. When you have a baby, you are no longer first. You put your baby before everything else in your life. You barely get a second to yourself unless you have amazing friends and family like mine that help you out when they are available.. which I have and I adore every single one of them.

So the father of my child, "M", baby's daddy, asshole.. whatever you prefer to call him.. decided to text me yesterday which read "sorry I can't be around more I'm just super busy right now, I really do wanna be around him more", which I found to be a bunch of bullshit. I didn't answer.. for two reasons. 1. I'm busy taking care of a one month old and am "too busy" to respond with the novel I have planned out for him.. and 2. I have nothing nice to say to him and I know it'll start a fight if I tell it how it is. Ya know how people say.. "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".. well my dad, being the funny man that he is, said that if that statement applied to him, then he would be a very quiet man. This makes me laugh because it's true. If you know me well.. you know I'm not a very nice person.. that is, if you're on my bad side. I'm very sarcastic too.. which also comes off as being mean. I am nice, to my close friends, but those are very few. Anyways that was off topic.. but I thought I'd throw that in there to add some humor to my life.

I guess what I'm trying to get out is the fact that my baby hasn't made any impact on his fathers life, but has completely altered mine.. I'm not complaining because I'd do anything for my little man, I just wish his father would do the same. It's called priorities.. and his are in the wrong order.

Maybe he should ask himself.. Can I be the kind of father she needs me to be? And if he can't.. then he needs to walk away..

I've been..

Keeping things bottled up for way too long. I know it's not healthy for me to keep everything inside so I'm going to pour it all out in this blog.

I'm completely disgusted by the way the father of my child has been acting lately. He sees his son once a week, if that, and that's his own doing, not mine. I wish he would come around more for the sake of our child, but apparently he's not a priority to him.. which kills me. My sons family is already broken and he didn't choose to have it that way.. but I would still like him to have a father and the way things are looking right now, he's not going to have that either. I can't help but think every single night while I'm awake all night long, that he gets to sleep all night and not get woken up. Other people have someone there to help pick up the slack in the middle of the night when they are too tired.. oh well. Every night more thoughts pop into my head about what to do, but I can't get him more involved if he doesn't wanna be. I feel like I'm keeping everything bottled up inside and eventually I'm just going to snap. I'm gonna end up completely ripping him apart and I don't want to do that, I wanna talk about it like the "friends" we're supposed to be. And after all these thoughts consume my mind, I have other thoughts that think he is somehow screwing me over behind my back.. but that's other information that I really don't wanna get into right now.

I do things on my own.. I'm not one to ask for help at all. But it's not healthy to only get 3 hours of consecutive sleep a night and not be able to nap during the day. As you can tell in my previous blog, I take care of everything since I live on my own and have a newborn baby. It'll all be worth it, I know, I'm not going to be the one missing all his "firsts" and I'm thankful for that, but I just don't get how you can choose to not be a part of your own son's life. He won't even hold him anymore.. he doesn't "see the big deal" in holding a baby.. except that he's his own son!

I'm a firm believer in karma, but I've been waiting a year for his to hit him.. when is it coming?? I was with this guy for over 2 years.. he gets me pregnant then decides to up and leave when I'm 4 months along. I didn't ask for that to happen and I certainly didn't ask to be a single parent, but I am. He not only left while I was pregnant, but he's been talking to another girl since I was 5 months pregnant (who doesn't like kids at all and wants nothing to do with them).. which irks me even more because this fact makes me think that the father is choosing her over his own son and decides he wants nothing to do with his child either. Kinda like she put the thought in his head because before he wanted to be involved and was freaking out when he didn't think he would ever get to see his son because I was being a "bitch". He did this.. not me. I deserve so much better than to be treated this way. After being around him while he's spending time with his son, which really isn't even spending time with him because he doesn't even acknowledge he's there, I want nothing to do with him at all. It makes me sick that someone will choose everything over his own son.

I know things would be sooo much easier if this were a two parent family, but I'm not going to sit around and think of all the things that he could be doing to help me out that he's not doing. I'm happy knowing I raised this amazing child on my own.

I don't care that he hates me, really I don't, he can hate me all he wants.. but he has to realize we have a baby together, which means putting up with each other and putting our differences aside so our child has a happy life.

Okay.. venting over.. for today anyways, until another thought consumes my mind.

My life is exhausting..

My life is far from easy. I have a 4 week old baby that I take care of all by myself. I appreciate the very few people I have in my life that are there to help me out when I need it. My mom lives over an hour away in Canada so she helps when she can, my best friend lives an hour away but definitely helps me out a lot when she's home and adores my baby A, and the rest of my friends and family help when they can. But as my close friends know, I'm a very independent girl. I don't ask for help often and I'm not about to leave my child off onto someone else. He's my world.. and even though I'm exhausted and worn down most of the time.. I wouldn't trade it for anything. And even though it doesn't seem like much, having someone there to give me that half hour break just to take a shower or take a nap, really does mean a lot to me and is greatly appreciated!

The father came around everyday for the first week or so after Aaden was born. The visits started out lasting hours at a time, then going down to hour visits. Eventually he got "busy" and had to miss a day and now he doesn't come around at all. I can't say I didn't see it coming because in the back of my mind I knew this would happen sooner or later, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and not have negative thoughts.. until now. It kills me that he can't even take 2 seconds out of his day to send a little text asking how his son is doing that day or to ask if I need a break. It's like it never crosses his mind.. does he remember he has a son? I'm alone all day long.. taking care of the baby and not doing anything for myself unless he's sleeping. I barely find time to eat, shower, do the laundry and the dishes, clean the house, and most importanly.. sleep. They always say to sleep when the baby sleeps, but how are you supposed to do that when you have a million other things to do on top of taking care of a baby? I never knew something could be so hard, yet have such a rewarding feeling at the same time.

Sometimes I just wish the father would realize what's important in life and stop thinking of himself for once. I guess you can say I had hope in the beginning that once Aaden was born things would change.. that's what we call false hope. You can't change someone that doesn't want to change.