Tuesday, November 25, 2008


I don't want to be pregnant anymore! I'm seriously at my wits end and I don't know how much more I can handle of this pregnancy...

You're all probably thinking.. "Oh suck it up, it can't be that bad".. but if you're thinking that, then you've obviously never been pregnant before!

I'm sill working.. and every single day I get at least 50 people that ask me the same questions. "You haven't had that baby yet?" and "When are you going to have that baby?" Here's the answer to the first question.. obviously if I'm still standing here working my ass off, I haven't had him yet.. and to the second question.. if I was psychic I would let you know when I'm having him, but I'm not so your guess is as good as mine.

I know.. I'm in a crabby mood and I have a feeling I will be until this baby comes out! I went to the doctor today and it turned out to be a pointless visit. I waited a whole hour in the waiting room and when I finally get in to see the doctor he tells me I'm still at the same place I was last week. WTF! So here I am again, waiting for labor to start or to dilate more.. I've tried almost everything to induce labor and it's not working! The doctor could tell how fed up I was getting and said if I make it til next Tuesday, then he will go in and "speed up the process".. which pretty much means he's going to scrape my membranes, which will help me dilate quicker and hopefully put me into labor within days.

I swear I'm going to be pregnant forever..

Friday, November 21, 2008

Will things ever go my way?

Here I am.. sitting and waiting again to hear from him.. again. Why do I still care after so much shit I've been put through? I should hate him (should being the key word), but that's probably the reason he knows he can get away with doing this crap to me.. because he knows I can't hate him. I'm not going to mention exactly what he did to me the other night, but if you've been following my blog, you know I'm just days from going into labor. Nobody knows when it's going to happen and with my anxiety issues, I'm a nervous wreck as you could imagine. Well I contacted him because I was having contractions.. and he's nowhere to be found. So of course I freak out! It was a false alarm though, just braxton hicks contractions, but the fact that he wasn't there for me when I needed him makes me wonder if he's actually going to be there when it's the real deal. He claims he wants to be there during the labor and birth, but it seems like whenever it comes down to it, he runs. I wish I could do the same.. but I can't.. I can't even leave town without being scared of going into labor, but he has no worries. Personally, I'm disgusted with the way he reacts to things and I don't want anything to do with him, but I want him around for his sons sake. He can abandon me all he wants.. but he will not abandon his son, I won't allow it. If he decides he's not going to be around, it's a one time deal.. there's no coming back into his life after that because he's not going to put him through that more than once.

Okay.. I'm done ranting.. thanks for listening!! *Cross your fingers that I go into labor soon*

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Oooh the Anxiety..

I went to the doctor this morning.. 37 weeks pregnant!! Here's the update.. I'm dilated 2 centimeters and baby Aaden has dropped, his head is super low and I might not make it another week! This news makes me totally excited.. and nervous! The doctor said if he stays in there one more week, he'll do an ultrasound to see how big he is. I personally want one more ultrasound for another picture.. but I guess if he wants to come out sooner, I'll welcome that too!

As most of you know.. the father of my baby and I are not together, but we're civil to each other.. on most days. lol Well usually we just talk through text, which is a bad idea. People can say some of the meanest things through text that they wouldn't even imagine saying to your face so I've decided not to talk to him unless we're in person or on the phone to rid the negativity. We actually talked today on our way to and from the doctor (usually we sit in silence) and it was quite reassuring. Not only is he more honest with me in person, but he's a lot nicer. He said he would be around to drive me to the hospital when I go into labor because he knows I have major anxiety and knows when it comes down to it, he's the one I want there the most. No matter how much he's hurt me throughout the past 9 months.. I could never keep him from seeing his sons birth or anything.. no matter what, nothings going to change the fact that he's the father and I wouldn't want him to miss out on experiences just because I'm a bitch.

So overall.. today was a good day!! Now I am just sitting around waiting for labor to start.. come on contractions or water breaking!!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Too hardheaded?

It's been over a week since I've talked to him and I can't help but wonder, am I being too hardheaded? I just want him for once to contact me first. He missed our Dr. appointment yesterday and still I hear nothing from him. I think we are both too stubborn to cave in.. how long will his go on for? I'd like to actually get together and talk before I go into labor so it's not awkward in the delivery room, but neither of us are willing to cave in. I'm tired of trying to get him to realize things.. it hasn't worked for 8 1/2 months, I don't think it will work within the next couple weeks. Maybe it's just better we don't talk at all. If he really cared at all about his son, he would put our issues aside and at least try to be civil towards me so he wouldn't miss out on any more experiences. And even though I know it's not my fault.. I can't help but feel horrible that he's going to miss out on a lot of our son's growing up. I wonder if he thinks about how much he's actually going to miss.. his first steps, his first words.. he even missed feeling him move while he was still inside me.. it's a hard pill to swallow knowing he'll never get these experiences back.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Physically Drained

Here I am.. 35 weeks pregnant and I'm still working my ass off. My body physically can't handle it anymore and there's not much I can do about it. I have to keep working until this baby comes out because who else is going to support this baby? I can't help but think, how the hell does he not feel bad knowing he's the reason I'm still working when I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant.. I wouldn't be working if I knew I would have help from him, but I don't. I'm miserable and my body literally can't handle it anymore, being on my feet constantly and dealing with stress from work. I wish he would realize all this and be like you really need to leave work.. but he doesn't care! And no, I'm not exaggerating.. he seriously doesn't care.. it amazes me. I don't like to complain about having to work usually, but I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant and HUGE! I'm so uncomfortable 99% of the day and nothing fits me anymore.. it's just horrible. I can barely even drive anymore, not just because I don't fit behind the wheel very well, but because it hurts to sit straight up because the baby is under my ribs. I'm just straight up in a miserable mood tonight..

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Overthinking as always..

I have way too much on my mind for 11am and I can't even find the words to express how I'm feeling. How is it that someone can walk around acting like there isn't going to be a life altering event happening in his life soon? I'm freaking out.. my anxiety is going crazy and I can't control it. I just want him here with me to keep me calm until the big day comes, but that's too much to ask since we're not even together anymore. He missed out on experiences I wish he woulda taken advantage of. I've had people touch my belly and feel the baby move.. and to see the looks on their faces is just pure amazement, but seeing that look on other peoples faces isn't half as pleasing as it would be to see his face when he feels his baby move. I feel like I've gone through a lot alone, which I have, but how do you make him realize that all I need from him is to be there. It makes me wonder how much contact we would actually have if I never contacted him.. he never contacts me first. Alls I'm asking for is a call or even a text asking how I'm doing today or asking if I need anything, but no.. I get nothing. I don't even exist to him.. I'm just some girl walking around carrying his baby...