Friday, March 27, 2009

Who will.. there to catch me when I fall?

Baby "A"s daddy and I have been going through a lot lately trying to get things ready for court in a week.. and today was definitely a reality check. He informed me that when he's done with school in May, he plans to join the army. After those words came out of his mouth, everything else seemed like a blur. I've heard him mention it before, but now it's actually here.. less than 2 months away.. and I can't handle it. This decision doesn't only effect him.. it effects baby "A" and I too. What if something happens to him? How can he leave his son for that long.. and not knowing whether he'll be coming home or not. I've been as strong as I possibly can considering all the stuff I've been put through.. but I honestly don't think I am strong enough to come to terms with this. Even though I am practically a single parent now.. he's still there when I really need him. I'm not going to have that anymore.. he's going to be gone.. and not only is he not going to be there to help me.. he's not going to be there for his son. His family needs him more than he realizes, but talking to him about this situation makes me sick to my stomach.

I'll be in denial until the day comes where he's actually leaving us..

**I'll post more later..

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I'm a Debbie Downer

Lately I've been thinking way too much. I over analyze everything and can't just let go.. when I know it would be in my best interest to do so.

I'm thinking about getting a different job.. a third shift job. And even though I know it's going to be so hard to work all night and be home with a baby all day, I feel like I need to do this. I never get to see my son because I work all the time and it really kills me. As much as I'm too busy throughout the day to have any sort of thought to myself.. the nighttime is the worst. Once I put my little man down for the night, I think and think and think.. until I do something completely dumb which usually ends up with me texting my ex. I need to stop that! When he has baby A, I ask him how he's doing and what he's doing.. nothing out of the ordinary because I am his mother and I hate being without him. But he thinks I text him because I don't trust him. It's not that at all, but baby A is all I have. You probably wouldn't understand unless you've already had a child, but there are 2 people you want to be there for you throughout the experience. Your mom and your boyfriend (the child's father). The more I think about it, the more I realize why I am the way I am. Yeah, I have friends and others around to help and listen to me vent.. but the 2 people I need the most are the ones that aren't there. My moms there when she can be, but she lives 2 hours away so she can't be there as much as I'd like her to be. The father of my child treats me like shit every other day and I honestly don't see it getting better anytime soon. I'm beyond the breaking point.. I'm numb to a lot of things he says to me now.. but I can't change how badly he's already hurt me. That pain will never go away. I'm a very outspoken person, so he knows exactly how much pain he's caused me because I've told him and he could hear it in my voice, but he doesn't care. I don't think he ever will. I'd never hurt him in a way he's hurt me.. and I can never hate him for what he's done.. and he knows that. He knows I'm always going to be there for him no matter what.

..I wish there was a way to show him that I'm not always going to be around. He can't keep me at arms length anymore and expect me to be there when he's ready to come back to his family. I'm done putting myself through this and I'm definitely not putting our son through it.

It's like I don't even know who he is anymore..