Friday, February 20, 2009

I don't listen.. ever..

Lately I feel like I'm that girl in the scary movie that people always yell at.. "don't go in that room" or "why doesn't she run".. but the movies don't listen and neither do I. I wish I did. People could be screaming at me to keep my mouth shut when it would be in my best interest to do so, but I don't hear a word they say, I just open my big mouth and ruin everything that's going good in my life. The girl in the movie always goes into the room with the killer.. and I always say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

I had this hope inside of me for a long time.. and it got crushed on Monday night. I'm not going to go into detail, but my close friends know my situation that I'm talking about. And after making a complete ass out of myself over text.. I decided that wasn't good enough for me.. I also had to call and make a complete ass out of myself over the phone. I poured my heart out to the guy I fell for 3 years ago and for some reason, he's still distant. Why is it that as soon as I get into a good relationship and things are going great.. I run the other way and push that person away from me. And for some reason, even after leaving me when I was 4 months pregnant, I still can't find it in my heart to hate him. I'm pretty sure he could hear it in my voice that I was crying, but I tried to fight back the tears long enough to tell him how badly he hurt me. It hurt to have to see him when I was pregnant and it hurts to have to see him now, but I have to get used to it because we have a baby together. At the end of me crying in his ear and him shooting down my hopes of us ever trying this together.. he has the nerve to say "just drop it for awhile and let me think about it". I didn't want him to say that.. because that's what gave me hope in the first place. I asked him if he ever thought about us trying it together and he said he does.. but then when I mentioned it to him Monday he said he thought about it, but knows it would never work. He doesn't know that it wouldn't work.. he's just assuming. I hate that more than anything. He isn't even willing to try.

I'm just a girl standing here.. waiting for you to love her..

Monday, February 9, 2009

My emotions are scattered

After everything he's done to me.. after all the hurt he's caused me.. how can I still look at him like the stars that shine? He's not a good person. A good person doesn't leave you when your 4 months pregnant if they love you as much as they say they do. But even after all the shit he's put me through.. he does one nice gesture, and I completely forget about everything else. I hate that.

"M" and I have been very civil to each other for the past 2 weeks.. like scary civil. We haven't gone this long without fighting since before I got pregnant. I went to pick up the baby at "M"'s house yesterday after work and he actually talked to me.. and you might all think oh wow he talked to her.. but you don't understand. Him talking to me like a normal person is not normal for him. He usually ignores me like I don't even exist. Then while I'm gathering "A"'s bags and carrying him out to the car in his car seat, "M" offers to help me carry him out. Again, this might seem like another small gesture to the normal person, but on an ordinary day he would have just watched me struggle while I made my way out to my car.

He's been thinking a lot lately.. I don't know about what, but I can tell and it's kind of making me uneasy. I just don't want to be the girl that forgives him as soon as he decides to come crawling back. I'm not going to be a convenient thing for him to come back to. I want him to realize exactly how much hurt he's caused me and I have a feeling he'll be able to tell when we talk in person. I'm usually pretty good at hiding my feelings, but he has a way of breaking me down. The past 8 months are going to come pouring out and I'm not going to be able to control it. I trusted him when he said he would never leave us.. how can I ever believe him and think that he will never do that again somewhere down the road? He wasn't there when I needed him the most and there's no taking that back. The damage is done.

Is it wrong to say.. I miss him...

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Short post

Let's make it short and sweet.. well maybe not so sweet..

"M" and I decided that we need to talk in person because we've been fighting so much lately. We figured it's the only way to get everything out in the open in hopes that we can eventually be nicer to each other. I want so badly to believe him when he says he wishes he could be around more for the baby, but those are only words.. no actions yet. It's a struggle for me to be nice to him everyday and not start a fight.. even though I could easily say something that would trigger one. And the reason for all these thoughts consuming in my mind is because this is my first night without my baby at home with me. He's gone for the night.. I hate working super early on Sunday mornings.. boo. I miss my baby..

I just want his words to be genuine.. that's all.