Keeping things bottled up for way too long. I know it's not healthy for me to keep everything inside so I'm going to pour it all out in this blog.
I'm completely disgusted by the way the father of my child has been acting lately. He sees his son once a week, if that, and that's his own doing, not mine. I wish he would come around more for the sake of our child, but apparently he's not a priority to him.. which kills me. My sons family is already broken and he didn't choose to have it that way.. but I would still like him to have a father and the way things are looking right now, he's not going to have that either. I can't help but think every single night while I'm awake all night long, that he gets to sleep all night and not get woken up. Other people have someone there to help pick up the slack in the middle of the night when they are too tired.. oh well. Every night more thoughts pop into my head about what to do, but I can't get him more involved if he doesn't wanna be. I feel like I'm keeping everything bottled up inside and eventually I'm just going to snap. I'm gonna end up completely ripping him apart and I don't want to do that, I wanna talk about it like the "friends" we're supposed to be. And after all these thoughts consume my mind, I have other thoughts that think he is somehow screwing me over behind my back.. but that's other information that I really don't wanna get into right now.
I do things on my own.. I'm not one to ask for help at all. But it's not healthy to only get 3 hours of consecutive sleep a night and not be able to nap during the day. As you can tell in my previous blog, I take care of everything since I live on my own and have a newborn baby. It'll all be worth it, I know, I'm not going to be the one missing all his "firsts" and I'm thankful for that, but I just don't get how you can choose to not be a part of your own son's life. He won't even hold him anymore.. he doesn't "see the big deal" in holding a baby.. except that he's his own son!
I'm a firm believer in karma, but I've been waiting a year for his to hit him.. when is it coming?? I was with this guy for over 2 years.. he gets me pregnant then decides to up and leave when I'm 4 months along. I didn't ask for that to happen and I certainly didn't ask to be a single parent, but I am. He not only left while I was pregnant, but he's been talking to another girl since I was 5 months pregnant (who doesn't like kids at all and wants nothing to do with them).. which irks me even more because this fact makes me think that the father is choosing her over his own son and decides he wants nothing to do with his child either. Kinda like she put the thought in his head because before he wanted to be involved and was freaking out when he didn't think he would ever get to see his son because I was being a "bitch". He did this.. not me. I deserve so much better than to be treated this way. After being around him while he's spending time with his son, which really isn't even spending time with him because he doesn't even acknowledge he's there, I want nothing to do with him at all. It makes me sick that someone will choose everything over his own son.
I know things would be sooo much easier if this were a two parent family, but I'm not going to sit around and think of all the things that he could be doing to help me out that he's not doing. I'm happy knowing I raised this amazing child on my own.
I don't care that he hates me, really I don't, he can hate me all he wants.. but he has to realize we have a baby together, which means putting up with each other and putting our differences aside so our child has a happy life.
Okay.. venting over.. for today anyways, until another thought consumes my mind.