I've finally snapped..

I should really be sleeping.. but too many thoughts are consuming my mind tonight to even think about dozing off.

I started back at work on Sunday.. a few hours shy of full time. I haven't even been back a full week yet and I'm completely exhausted. Today wasn't a good day.. since I've had such a lack of sleep, it's brought out the bitchy side of me. I fought with the father of my child today. I know this is like a daily thing for us, but today it was totally different. I feel completely defeated by life. No one ever wants to admit that they can't handle it on their own, but I'm a stubborn person and I'll wait til I'm drained before I ask for help. I don't even know why, but after talking to him on the phone for about 20 minutes.. I feel more upset and broken than I ever have before. I feel like we need to talk to each other in person, or else we will always resent each other and we can't have that for our child. The only thing I feel like doing right now is curling up in a ball and crying. I know that won't solve anything or make my life easier.. but I don't have the energy to do anything else. It's hard to talk to him and still have feelings for him. And I know I have resentment towards him because of all the shitty things he has done to me.. and I'm afraid I won't ever be able to get over it. How can you hate someone so much.. but still love them?

I dunno.. I know I'm not done ranting about this because I still have a lot on my mind.. but I'm literally so caught up in emotion right now to blog about it. I'll post more later..

Honestly..

I want to know how having a baby changed his life. I don't know why I want to hear such a dreadful thing come out of his mouth, but I need it to fulfill my satisfaction I guess because I know having a baby didn't affect his life one bit. When you have a baby, you are no longer first. You put your baby before everything else in your life. You barely get a second to yourself unless you have amazing friends and family like mine that help you out when they are available.. which I have and I adore every single one of them.

So the father of my child, "M", baby's daddy, asshole.. whatever you prefer to call him.. decided to text me yesterday which read "sorry I can't be around more I'm just super busy right now, I really do wanna be around him more", which I found to be a bunch of bullshit. I didn't answer.. for two reasons. 1. I'm busy taking care of a one month old and am "too busy" to respond with the novel I have planned out for him.. and 2. I have nothing nice to say to him and I know it'll start a fight if I tell it how it is. Ya know how people say.. "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".. well my dad, being the funny man that he is, said that if that statement applied to him, then he would be a very quiet man. This makes me laugh because it's true. If you know me well.. you know I'm not a very nice person.. that is, if you're on my bad side. I'm very sarcastic too.. which also comes off as being mean. I am nice, to my close friends, but those are very few. Anyways that was off topic.. but I thought I'd throw that in there to add some humor to my life.

I guess what I'm trying to get out is the fact that my baby hasn't made any impact on his fathers life, but has completely altered mine.. I'm not complaining because I'd do anything for my little man, I just wish his father would do the same. It's called priorities.. and his are in the wrong order.

Maybe he should ask himself.. Can I be the kind of father she needs me to be? And if he can't.. then he needs to walk away..

I've been..

Keeping things bottled up for way too long. I know it's not healthy for me to keep everything inside so I'm going to pour it all out in this blog.

I'm completely disgusted by the way the father of my child has been acting lately. He sees his son once a week, if that, and that's his own doing, not mine. I wish he would come around more for the sake of our child, but apparently he's not a priority to him.. which kills me. My sons family is already broken and he didn't choose to have it that way.. but I would still like him to have a father and the way things are looking right now, he's not going to have that either. I can't help but think every single night while I'm awake all night long, that he gets to sleep all night and not get woken up. Other people have someone there to help pick up the slack in the middle of the night when they are too tired.. oh well. Every night more thoughts pop into my head about what to do, but I can't get him more involved if he doesn't wanna be. I feel like I'm keeping everything bottled up inside and eventually I'm just going to snap. I'm gonna end up completely ripping him apart and I don't want to do that, I wanna talk about it like the "friends" we're supposed to be. And after all these thoughts consume my mind, I have other thoughts that think he is somehow screwing me over behind my back.. but that's other information that I really don't wanna get into right now.

I do things on my own.. I'm not one to ask for help at all. But it's not healthy to only get 3 hours of consecutive sleep a night and not be able to nap during the day. As you can tell in my previous blog, I take care of everything since I live on my own and have a newborn baby. It'll all be worth it, I know, I'm not going to be the one missing all his "firsts" and I'm thankful for that, but I just don't get how you can choose to not be a part of your own son's life. He won't even hold him anymore.. he doesn't "see the big deal" in holding a baby.. except that he's his own son!

I'm a firm believer in karma, but I've been waiting a year for his to hit him.. when is it coming?? I was with this guy for over 2 years.. he gets me pregnant then decides to up and leave when I'm 4 months along. I didn't ask for that to happen and I certainly didn't ask to be a single parent, but I am. He not only left while I was pregnant, but he's been talking to another girl since I was 5 months pregnant (who doesn't like kids at all and wants nothing to do with them).. which irks me even more because this fact makes me think that the father is choosing her over his own son and decides he wants nothing to do with his child either. Kinda like she put the thought in his head because before he wanted to be involved and was freaking out when he didn't think he would ever get to see his son because I was being a "bitch". He did this.. not me. I deserve so much better than to be treated this way. After being around him while he's spending time with his son, which really isn't even spending time with him because he doesn't even acknowledge he's there, I want nothing to do with him at all. It makes me sick that someone will choose everything over his own son.

I know things would be sooo much easier if this were a two parent family, but I'm not going to sit around and think of all the things that he could be doing to help me out that he's not doing. I'm happy knowing I raised this amazing child on my own.

I don't care that he hates me, really I don't, he can hate me all he wants.. but he has to realize we have a baby together, which means putting up with each other and putting our differences aside so our child has a happy life.

Okay.. venting over.. for today anyways, until another thought consumes my mind.

My life is exhausting..

My life is far from easy. I have a 4 week old baby that I take care of all by myself. I appreciate the very few people I have in my life that are there to help me out when I need it. My mom lives over an hour away in Canada so she helps when she can, my best friend lives an hour away but definitely helps me out a lot when she's home and adores my baby A, and the rest of my friends and family help when they can. But as my close friends know, I'm a very independent girl. I don't ask for help often and I'm not about to leave my child off onto someone else. He's my world.. and even though I'm exhausted and worn down most of the time.. I wouldn't trade it for anything. And even though it doesn't seem like much, having someone there to give me that half hour break just to take a shower or take a nap, really does mean a lot to me and is greatly appreciated!

The father came around everyday for the first week or so after Aaden was born. The visits started out lasting hours at a time, then going down to hour visits. Eventually he got "busy" and had to miss a day and now he doesn't come around at all. I can't say I didn't see it coming because in the back of my mind I knew this would happen sooner or later, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and not have negative thoughts.. until now. It kills me that he can't even take 2 seconds out of his day to send a little text asking how his son is doing that day or to ask if I need a break. It's like it never crosses his mind.. does he remember he has a son? I'm alone all day long.. taking care of the baby and not doing anything for myself unless he's sleeping. I barely find time to eat, shower, do the laundry and the dishes, clean the house, and most importanly.. sleep. They always say to sleep when the baby sleeps, but how are you supposed to do that when you have a million other things to do on top of taking care of a baby? I never knew something could be so hard, yet have such a rewarding feeling at the same time.

Sometimes I just wish the father would realize what's important in life and stop thinking of himself for once. I guess you can say I had hope in the beginning that once Aaden was born things would change.. that's what we call false hope. You can't change someone that doesn't want to change.