Friday, November 21, 2008

Will things ever go my way?

Here I am.. sitting and waiting again to hear from him.. again. Why do I still care after so much shit I've been put through? I should hate him (should being the key word), but that's probably the reason he knows he can get away with doing this crap to me.. because he knows I can't hate him. I'm not going to mention exactly what he did to me the other night, but if you've been following my blog, you know I'm just days from going into labor. Nobody knows when it's going to happen and with my anxiety issues, I'm a nervous wreck as you could imagine. Well I contacted him because I was having contractions.. and he's nowhere to be found. So of course I freak out! It was a false alarm though, just braxton hicks contractions, but the fact that he wasn't there for me when I needed him makes me wonder if he's actually going to be there when it's the real deal. He claims he wants to be there during the labor and birth, but it seems like whenever it comes down to it, he runs. I wish I could do the same.. but I can't.. I can't even leave town without being scared of going into labor, but he has no worries. Personally, I'm disgusted with the way he reacts to things and I don't want anything to do with him, but I want him around for his sons sake. He can abandon me all he wants.. but he will not abandon his son, I won't allow it. If he decides he's not going to be around, it's a one time deal.. there's no coming back into his life after that because he's not going to put him through that more than once.

Okay.. I'm done ranting.. thanks for listening!! *Cross your fingers that I go into labor soon*