Monday, February 9, 2009

My emotions are scattered

After everything he's done to me.. after all the hurt he's caused me.. how can I still look at him like the stars that shine? He's not a good person. A good person doesn't leave you when your 4 months pregnant if they love you as much as they say they do. But even after all the shit he's put me through.. he does one nice gesture, and I completely forget about everything else. I hate that.

"M" and I have been very civil to each other for the past 2 weeks.. like scary civil. We haven't gone this long without fighting since before I got pregnant. I went to pick up the baby at "M"'s house yesterday after work and he actually talked to me.. and you might all think oh wow he talked to her.. but you don't understand. Him talking to me like a normal person is not normal for him. He usually ignores me like I don't even exist. Then while I'm gathering "A"'s bags and carrying him out to the car in his car seat, "M" offers to help me carry him out. Again, this might seem like another small gesture to the normal person, but on an ordinary day he would have just watched me struggle while I made my way out to my car.

He's been thinking a lot lately.. I don't know about what, but I can tell and it's kind of making me uneasy. I just don't want to be the girl that forgives him as soon as he decides to come crawling back. I'm not going to be a convenient thing for him to come back to. I want him to realize exactly how much hurt he's caused me and I have a feeling he'll be able to tell when we talk in person. I'm usually pretty good at hiding my feelings, but he has a way of breaking me down. The past 8 months are going to come pouring out and I'm not going to be able to control it. I trusted him when he said he would never leave us.. how can I ever believe him and think that he will never do that again somewhere down the road? He wasn't there when I needed him the most and there's no taking that back. The damage is done.

Is it wrong to say.. I miss him...

1 comment:

Lindsay said...

We are so much alike in our situations. Have a glass of wine hehe. I have a stupid story for you to distract you by the way.