Mirena.. FML

I don't know if anyone has had any experience with the mirena and could give me some advice.. but if not, I'm going to rant about it anyways.

The mirena is a "T" shaped IUD that is placed in your uterus to prevent pregnancy. It's a fucking joke none the less.. the worst side effects I've ever experienced with ANY birth control. I've never had a migraine in my life, but now experience them at least 2-3 times a week. I'm having extreme fatigue, I took a 2 hour nap with my son and still couldn't function after those 2 hours, I had to lay on the couch while I watched him play. I get my period for 8-9 days straight, with some occassion spotting in between cycles (TMI?). And along with that, I seem to be breaking out like crazy. I've lost weight (is you knew me, this is not a good side effect), which puts me down to 99lbs. I'm 21 years old, I'm not supposed to only weigh 99lbs. Annnd I have the most painful sex I've ever experienced in my life. Did I mention mood swings up the wazoo? I can't even stand to be around myself sometimes, it's a wonder my boyfriend hasn't left me yet. OMG.. AND THE WORST CRAMPS I HAVE EVER HAD.. making me double over in pain and never want to move.

I'm due to go to the doctor August 26th, but I'm not sure I can hold out that long. I wouldn't recommend this form of birth control to anyone. I've even read forums online, just to make sure it's not all in my head, and it's definitely not. I even think the mirena is going to get cancelled or recalled, because there's a petition going around with all the people who mirena has effected and ruined peoples bodies. I've even read that if your strings that are connected to the mirena (for removal) get lost or are cut too short, they have to surgically remove it.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated!!

So,,,

I'm thinking it's been way too long since I last posted.. and my good friend Lindsay informs me of how many people are following my blog and I give them nothing to read.. well here ya go fellow readers!

There's been a lot going on lately in my oh so exciting life. Not really exciting, but exhausting. I feel like I work non stop.. but I need the money badly in hopes to buy a house. I know I'm young, but in order to start my career, which is daycare, I need a house. Blah. Besides work occupying my life.. my baby is crawling.. all over the place!! I love that he can move around now and it's awesome watching him learn new things everyday. He explores, gets into everything, and follows you around like a lost puppy.. he amazes me. Now at a growing 7 months old.. going from sitting by himself, to crawling, to pulling himself to a standing position.. my baby is getting way too big and I'm realizing I need to take more time off work so I can cherish these moments with him before he starts walking and talking back. haha.

His father and I are still together, it's not perfect, but it's a learning experience trying to talk through our issues from our past. We bicker a little bit because we have so much history, sometimes I wonder if that could be our downfall. We've both done some shitty things to each other and the only thing you can do is move on from them instead of having resentment, but for some reason guys don't drop things as easily as girls and there's nothing I hate more than being reminded of my mistakes. I love being a family and every time we fight, I get scared. I don't want him to leave again, I remember that feeling.. and even though I made it through the first time, that strength was hard to find. I'm really bad at talking about how I feel when he says something that upsets me. I usually just shut down and put on this bitchy front until I completely breakdown. I wouldn't stick around in a relationship just because we have a baby together because that's just wrong, but you can tell we genuinely care for each other. I know it gets hard at times, but that's what makes a family stronger. We gotta learn to talk about the things we don't like when it happens, instead of holding it in til we explode.. it's not healthy..

Well that's my post for today.. xoxo

Life..

I haven't posted in like 2 months so I have a lot to fill you all in on. The father of my child and I are back together. We decided to try and work things out in April and so far so good. I told myself I'd only do this once though, if it doesn't work for some reason, it's a done deal. I won't put our son through that BS. Anyways.. I've been working full time lately, and more than full time most weeks and I'm sooo incredibly sick of it. I have a 5 month old baby I'd rather be spending time with. He's developing so quickly and I don't wanna miss anything! He sits up all by himself now and feeds himself and rolls. Watching him just play on the floor amazes me.. all the things he's already learned how to do. I love him so much!

On another note.. I really miss my friends. I can't help but feel like it's mostly my fault we don't see each other a lot anymore. I realize we all have our own lives and we don't have the same free time, but it's sad. I just hope they know, that no matter how busy we all are in our lives, we'll always have each other.

Now I have to go get ready for another day of work.. I'll try to post more later once I get more time..

Who will..

..be there to catch me when I fall?

Baby "A"s daddy and I have been going through a lot lately trying to get things ready for court in a week.. and today was definitely a reality check. He informed me that when he's done with school in May, he plans to join the army. After those words came out of his mouth, everything else seemed like a blur. I've heard him mention it before, but now it's actually here.. less than 2 months away.. and I can't handle it. This decision doesn't only effect him.. it effects baby "A" and I too. What if something happens to him? How can he leave his son for that long.. and not knowing whether he'll be coming home or not. I've been as strong as I possibly can considering all the stuff I've been put through.. but I honestly don't think I am strong enough to come to terms with this. Even though I am practically a single parent now.. he's still there when I really need him. I'm not going to have that anymore.. he's going to be gone.. and not only is he not going to be there to help me.. he's not going to be there for his son. His family needs him more than he realizes, but talking to him about this situation makes me sick to my stomach.

I'll be in denial until the day comes where he's actually leaving us..


**I'll post more later..

I'm a Debbie Downer

Lately I've been thinking way too much. I over analyze everything and can't just let go.. when I know it would be in my best interest to do so.

I'm thinking about getting a different job.. a third shift job. And even though I know it's going to be so hard to work all night and be home with a baby all day, I feel like I need to do this. I never get to see my son because I work all the time and it really kills me. As much as I'm too busy throughout the day to have any sort of thought to myself.. the nighttime is the worst. Once I put my little man down for the night, I think and think and think.. until I do something completely dumb which usually ends up with me texting my ex. I need to stop that! When he has baby A, I ask him how he's doing and what he's doing.. nothing out of the ordinary because I am his mother and I hate being without him. But he thinks I text him because I don't trust him. It's not that at all, but baby A is all I have. You probably wouldn't understand unless you've already had a child, but there are 2 people you want to be there for you throughout the experience. Your mom and your boyfriend (the child's father). The more I think about it, the more I realize why I am the way I am. Yeah, I have friends and others around to help and listen to me vent.. but the 2 people I need the most are the ones that aren't there. My moms there when she can be, but she lives 2 hours away so she can't be there as much as I'd like her to be. The father of my child treats me like shit every other day and I honestly don't see it getting better anytime soon. I'm beyond the breaking point.. I'm numb to a lot of things he says to me now.. but I can't change how badly he's already hurt me. That pain will never go away. I'm a very outspoken person, so he knows exactly how much pain he's caused me because I've told him and he could hear it in my voice, but he doesn't care. I don't think he ever will. I'd never hurt him in a way he's hurt me.. and I can never hate him for what he's done.. and he knows that. He knows I'm always going to be there for him no matter what.

..I wish there was a way to show him that I'm not always going to be around. He can't keep me at arms length anymore and expect me to be there when he's ready to come back to his family. I'm done putting myself through this and I'm definitely not putting our son through it.

It's like I don't even know who he is anymore..

I don't listen.. ever..

Lately I feel like I'm that girl in the scary movie that people always yell at.. "don't go in that room" or "why doesn't she run".. but the movies don't listen and neither do I. I wish I did. People could be screaming at me to keep my mouth shut when it would be in my best interest to do so, but I don't hear a word they say, I just open my big mouth and ruin everything that's going good in my life. The girl in the movie always goes into the room with the killer.. and I always say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

I had this hope inside of me for a long time.. and it got crushed on Monday night. I'm not going to go into detail, but my close friends know my situation that I'm talking about. And after making a complete ass out of myself over text.. I decided that wasn't good enough for me.. I also had to call and make a complete ass out of myself over the phone. I poured my heart out to the guy I fell for 3 years ago and for some reason, he's still distant. Why is it that as soon as I get into a good relationship and things are going great.. I run the other way and push that person away from me. And for some reason, even after leaving me when I was 4 months pregnant, I still can't find it in my heart to hate him. I'm pretty sure he could hear it in my voice that I was crying, but I tried to fight back the tears long enough to tell him how badly he hurt me. It hurt to have to see him when I was pregnant and it hurts to have to see him now, but I have to get used to it because we have a baby together. At the end of me crying in his ear and him shooting down my hopes of us ever trying this together.. he has the nerve to say "just drop it for awhile and let me think about it". I didn't want him to say that.. because that's what gave me hope in the first place. I asked him if he ever thought about us trying it together and he said he does.. but then when I mentioned it to him Monday he said he thought about it, but knows it would never work. He doesn't know that it wouldn't work.. he's just assuming. I hate that more than anything. He isn't even willing to try.

I'm just a girl standing here.. waiting for you to love her..

My emotions are scattered

After everything he's done to me.. after all the hurt he's caused me.. how can I still look at him like the stars that shine? He's not a good person. A good person doesn't leave you when your 4 months pregnant if they love you as much as they say they do. But even after all the shit he's put me through.. he does one nice gesture, and I completely forget about everything else. I hate that.

"M" and I have been very civil to each other for the past 2 weeks.. like scary civil. We haven't gone this long without fighting since before I got pregnant. I went to pick up the baby at "M"'s house yesterday after work and he actually talked to me.. and you might all think oh wow he talked to her.. but you don't understand. Him talking to me like a normal person is not normal for him. He usually ignores me like I don't even exist. Then while I'm gathering "A"'s bags and carrying him out to the car in his car seat, "M" offers to help me carry him out. Again, this might seem like another small gesture to the normal person, but on an ordinary day he would have just watched me struggle while I made my way out to my car.

He's been thinking a lot lately.. I don't know about what, but I can tell and it's kind of making me uneasy. I just don't want to be the girl that forgives him as soon as he decides to come crawling back. I'm not going to be a convenient thing for him to come back to. I want him to realize exactly how much hurt he's caused me and I have a feeling he'll be able to tell when we talk in person. I'm usually pretty good at hiding my feelings, but he has a way of breaking me down. The past 8 months are going to come pouring out and I'm not going to be able to control it. I trusted him when he said he would never leave us.. how can I ever believe him and think that he will never do that again somewhere down the road? He wasn't there when I needed him the most and there's no taking that back. The damage is done.

Is it wrong to say.. I miss him...